The Phillies Are Having a Heckuva Spring Training.*

*Spring training doesn’t mean anything.

Like the bad boyfriends they are, the Phillies are literally going on the offensive and trying their damndest to raise expectations and make a solid impression. We can give you home runs! We can give you victories! We are more than a hodgepodge collection of prospects and has-beens! We are so deserving of your love and we will use it to raise us up in the National League East standings! We will earn a pennant and a ring! Swipe right! Swipe right!

When the regular season (and the regular thumpings) begin, the Phillies will become less than a shadow of their Spring Training selves. The bullpen will fail to hold onto a (rare) lead. The lineup will become unable to deliver late-inning run production. The fans will be forced to endure E-A-G-L-E-S chants (you know, a team who hasn’t been in the playoffs since 2008 and hasn’t won a championship since 1960) in late June. The fans also will have to contend with Mets and Nats fans, who will march into Citizens Bank Park like it’s Citi Field South or Nationals Park North.

Then the Phillies, so full of love and attention in Spring Training, will start to blame the people who pay money and endure ridicule to watch them play. You know we play 163 games and can’t win them all, right? I can’t believe you expect us to score after having runners on second and third with no outs. It’s hard getting people on second and third with no outs to begin with! If you didn’t boo us we’d play better. Can’t you just be happy that we won one game in the past four-game series instead of getting swept like we usually do? It can’t be 2008 every year! You know what? We need a break. We’ll rebuild and get back to you.

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The Phillies Are Having a Heckuva Spring Training.*

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