Hello, Internet, meet my pretend BFF Olivia. She’ll star in an epic period drama then make a fart noise during her utterly charming acceptance speech.
This afternoon, Olly Offal came home with this charming (and personalized!) flyer which practically promised eternal damnation and fewer college choices for not ordering a fifth grade yearbook.
Olly’s got many strengths, but communicating about school is not one of them. (The women’s national Olympic field hockey visited his elementary school a couple years ago, and didn’t crack his daily top three announcements, which were 1. What he ate for lunch, 2. How he did in kickball at recess and 3. If he got any strikes.) I give kudos to Jostens for effective flyer design because my child was panicked I did not order a yearbook that I didn’t know was available to order. (There weren’t any PTO announcements, which is how I learn about such things.)
Things That Got Olly in a Dither:
1. ALL CAPS
2. HIS NAME
3. BRIGHT NEON GREEN
4. HE COULD POSSIBLY BE MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING
5. THE WORD DEADLINE (Mom’s a writer! She’s good with those!)
Other Documents I Wish Were Designed Like This
1. The dreaded reading log
2. Vocabulary and spelling lists
3. Permission slips
- FURNITURE HEIST that somehow never gets reported to authorities for six years and instead it takes an anonymous letter to the LA Times to open an investigation.
- Someone finally takes the ridiculous Peleton commercials to task, in the best way possible.
- Special Olympian makes par at the practice round for the Phoenix Open.
Oscar Offal doesn’t know his blood type, and he spent the last couple days researching genetic tables and trying to remember “that one time we did blood typing in freshman biology.”
After a day of furiously texting relatives, he came up with this chart:
We all have our guesses based on the above statistical analysis. Next, we’re going to try and predict Opal’s (I know my blood type, my mom’s and two siblings so we can extrapolate and figure my dad’s) and draw up a chart just for her.
Oscar ordered two blood type testing kits off Amazon because he was pledging a fraternity while taking freshman bio and is way too hazy on details to replicate the experiment.
Here’s a little ditty by a self-proclaimed psychedelic cowboy who performs under the pseudonym Orville Peck. (I heard the song twice before googling the video, which is quite something.) I’m convinced he’s a hybrid of Chris Isaak, Roy Orbison and Johnny Cash.
I just finished the third season of Travelers and I feel I’ve been emotionally manipulated.
The ending–that the Travelers program was a failure because even though people sent from the future prevented major environmental disasters couldn’t stop the original Traveler from sabotaging the entire scheme–was understandable, and it could serve as a series ending. But then we learn we spent the last three years watching the first version of a Travelers program and a second version was about to begin.
Black Mirror had an episode with a similar theme: a dating program went through many, many extremely realistic simulations to determine whether two people were right for each other. But! That same episode had the same people in all the simulations.
Throughout this Travelers season, the whole team has started to fray, so I can see how the Travelers program, or at least this team, could be considered a failure. At least two, Philip and Trevor, are falling apart, both physically and mentally. Marcy’s consciousness already had to be replaced once and her boyfriend stumbled right into a room with a nuclear bomb that he alone had to defuse. Mac’s wife figured out he wasn’t who he said he was. Carly lost custody of her child.
And I think it’s natural that the first person in the program figured out that maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go into the past based purely on the whims of a computer crunching out countless algorithms. However, this person had no way to go back to the future and give feedback. None of the Travelers have any idea if any of their missions succeeded in changing the future–and what it meant for the Director to completely abandon their timeline.
The final scene with David and Marcy (Marcy the nurse, who didn’t run afoul of the first Traveler and become disabled) was way out of left field for this show: These two people would have met and fell in love regardless of whether Marcy’s body was taken over by a person from the future. The whole point (and hope, really) of the show is that future events can be changed and nothing is static, and love (remember Mac and Carly were romantic partners in their future lives?) is beside the point.
Nearly four weeks after the New Year, and Online Offal finally gets around to her New Year’s resolution of Writing More.
Why haven’t I been writing?
- My husband, Oscar Offal, took our youngest child Olly to the Farm Show and since then defense shields have been at full power against “We should look into beekeeping,” and the followup idea, “Fewer than 10 hives.”
- One of our cats stopped grooming herself in the genital area and I’ve been at the vet describing stools in great detail.
- I’ve fulfilled other New Year’s resolutions, including Trying to Cook More New Things (seriously, the Instant Pot lives up to the hype), which handily helps my family’s resolution of Rejecting New Things Online Offal Cooks.
- I’ve been reading. I finished 44 books last year, not including books I don’t list on Goodreads because at points I needed the literary equivalent of food that was not good for me. I completed six books so far this year.
So as an end-of-the-week wrapup, before I start blogging more properly, here’s what I read online and really liked this week.
- Ultrarunner Courtney Dauwalter Takes On the World’s Most Sadistic Endurance Race, by Sarah Barker. This race completely obliterates any solidarity normally found in typical extreme competitions. And as the article describes, you’re not only running against others, you’re running against yourself.
- Oregon Man Becomes First Person To Cross Antarctica Unaided, by Kate Davidson and Crystal Ligori. “I wanna prove that it’s not impossible,” O’Brady said. “Not just for myself but for others who are daring to dream greatly in their lives.” (I want to add that if Oscar Offal came to me with a dream of crossing Antarctica all by himself, I would pick out the 10 beehives myself.)
- The Weight I Carry, by Tommy Tomlinson. I thought Roxane Gay, in her memoir Hunger, did a better job explaining her body and why it got to be the way it is now, but Tomlinson is similarly adept at describing the basic indignities he suffers every day.
- My Dad’s Friendship With Charles Barkley, by Shirley Wang. This gorgeous story is about an unlikely relationship that transcends Facebook friends and Twitter followers.