Just Tweet It

DJT_Headshot_V2.jpg

(Image source: Twitter)

(To the tune of Michael Jackson’s Beat It)

They told you, you don’t belong around here
They made you sign a pledge, thought you’d disappear
You won the election despite everyone’s fears
So tweet it, just tweet it

You can’t govern so you do what you can
Perpetuate some lies, you’re a macho man
You gotta be be tough, and you have a good plan
So tweet it, you never once fought fair

Just tweet it, tweet it, tweet it, tweet it
Take your message and repeat it
Show them you’re important, show them you’ll fight
But only if they’re Christian, male and white
Just tweet it, tweet it
Just tweet it, tweet it
Just tweet it, tweet it
Just tweet it, tweet it

Reporters try to quote you, better do what you can
Avoid all the papers, take it to your fans
Make it up on the fly, it could be a scam
So tweet it, just tweet it

You have to show them that you’re actually prepared
All bad news is fake, and no outlet’s spared
They’ll meet you, try to beat you,
To get them out of your hair
Just tweet it, you really don’t care

Just tweet it, tweet it, tweet it, tweet it
They never could defeat it
Screw the fact-checkers, all day and all night
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right

Just tweet it, tweet it, tweet it, tweet it
Don’t even have to delete it
Call out the judges, on the left and the right
You’re in charge, you’ve got the might

Just tweet it, tweet it, tweet it, tweet it
The truth’s not even needed
Make up some numbers to back up your plight
You’re just a soapbox for the alt-right
Just tweet it, tweet it
Tweet it, tweet it, tweet it

 

 

 

Advertisements
Just Tweet It

Mr. Morton Takes on the Nats (Spoiler: SUCK IT, PAPELBON)

Again, set to the tune of Schoolhouse Rock classic Mister Morton.450203.jpg

It’s another start for Charlie Morton
Mister Morton is who?
A pitcher who was tested by the Washington Nats
So let’s see, how did he do?
Mister Morton walked up to the mound
Mister Morton walked
Mister Morton talked to his catcher
Mister Morton talked
(Hello, Chooch, you look good)
Mister Morton was ready
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And he kept it close for us

Mister Morton struck out six
Mister Morton struck
Mister Morton scattered four hits
His ERA didn’t go up
Mister Morton was confident
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And he kept it close for us

The game was going smoothly
Though the Phils lost the last two games
And the starting pitchers got hit big time
But this time though
Mister Morton held on
And got a win against Prince Papelbon

Mister Morton stayed until the sixth
Mister Morton stayed
Mister Morton gave up a run
Mister Morton was frayed
Mister Morton was very tired
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And he kept it close for us

The inning ended
Neris arrived
The bullpen got right through
(Come on guys- come on!)
The game was finally completed when
Galvis doubled off Papelbon in inning 10

Mister Morton threw 80 pitches
Mister Morton threw
Mister Morton’s fastball was up to 97
And his ERA is under 4
Mister Morton was a happy man
He remembered how to pitch well again

Mister Morton left the ballgame
Mister Morton left
Mister Morton stretched as it went to extra innings
Mister Morton stretched
Mister Morton was tired
Mister Morton was
Until Freddy Galvis came to the plate
The Phils have feasted on Pap since he was traded
Now Mister Morton is determined
And the rest of the Phillies are too

They’re still at home tonight
Let’s see what Thor will do

Mr. Morton Takes on the Nats (Spoiler: SUCK IT, PAPELBON)

The Second Start of Mr. Morton

Again, set to the tune of Schoolhouse Rock classic Mister Morton.

450203.jpg

It’s the second start for Charlie Morton
Mister Morton is who?
He’s recovering from a brutal loss
So let’s see, how did he do?
Mister Morton walked up to the mound
Mister Morton walked
Mister Morton talked to his catcher
Mister Morton talked
(Hello, Chooch, you look good)
Mister Morton was ready
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And he finally got a win for us

Mister Morton struck out seven
Mister Morton struck
Mister Morton scattered three hits
Maybe he doesn’t suck
Mister Morton was confident
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And he finally got a win for us

The game was going smoothly
The Phils were in the lead once again
That’s what starting pitching’s all about
But this time though
Mister Morton powered through
And helped his poor team out

Mister Morton stayed until the seventh
Mister Morton stayed
Mister Morton got two more outs
Mister Morton was frayed
Mister Morton was very tired
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And he finally got a win for us

The coach came
Neris arrived
He faced just one man
(Come on guys- come on!)
The inning was mercifully completed
And the bullpen preserved the win

Mister Morton threw 100 pitches
Mister Morton threw
Mister Morton knew his curveball was good
Mister Morton knew
Mister Morton was a happy man
He remembered how to pitch well again

Mister Morton paced to the dugout
Mister Morton paced
Mister Morton faced the local media
Mister Morton faced
Mister Morton was tired
Mister Morton was
Until he got a little run support
And the Padres didn’t get even a run on the board
Now Mister Morton is determined
And the rest of the Phillies are too

They’re still at home tonight
And should hear less of those boos

The Second Start of Mr. Morton

The Tale of Mr. Morton (Spoiler: He Lost)

To the tune of Schoolhouse Rock classic Mister Morton.

 

 

450203.jpg

 

This is the tale of Charlie Morton
Mister Morton is who?
He’s a starting pitcher
And today he helped the  Phillies lose
Mister Morton walked up to the mound
Mister Morton walked
Mister Morton talked to his catcher
Mister Morton talked
(Hello, Chooch, you look good)
Mister Morton was ready
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And what a losing pitcher he was

Mister Morton hit a single
Mister Morton hit
Mister Morton lit up the basepath
Mister Morton lit
Mister Morton was getting cocky
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And what a losing pitcher he was

The game was going smoothly
The Phils were up 2-1 once again
That’s what starting pitching’s all about
And then began the fourth
And with two runners on the board
Jay Bruce hit a baseball out

Mister Morton tried to get out of the jam
Mister Morton tried
Mister Morton loaded up the bases
Mister Morton was fried
Mister Morton was very nervous
Mister Morton was

Mister Morton is the pitcher of the ballgame
And what a losing pitcher he was

The coach came
Stumpf arrived
The Reds batted 13 men
(Come on guys- come on!)
The inning was only completed when
Five more men came in

Mister Morton  was knocked out of the game
Mister Morton was knocked
Mister Morton sat on the bench
Yes, he just sat there and rocked
Mister Morton was a defeated man
The Phils never got back the lead again

Mister Morton paced to the dugout
Mister Morton paced
Mister Morton faced the local media
Mister Morton faced
Mister Morton was tired
Mister Morton was
Until he got a little perspective
Who says the bullpen should get all the invective?
Now Mister Morton is determined
And the rest of the Phillies are too

They’ve got a series in New York
Before they come home to lots of boos

The Tale of Mr. Morton (Spoiler: He Lost)

Now That’s What I Call A Snow Day! Vol. 2

It’s wintertime and the little snow angels are home once more! Kick back with these killer jams while you wait for the plow to get to your cul-de-sac before you shovel your driveway. Again.

Track List

We Can’t Reschedule All These Fundraisers by Panic! At the PTO

Drinks on You, Channel 2 by My Facebook Friend Who Believed A Meteorologist Whose Forecast Only Called For Flurries

What’s a Shovel by All the Kids in My Neighborhood

Four-Day Weekend Coming Up, Suckers! by Teachers Everywhere

You Can’t Use My Snowblower Again by My Cranky Neighbor

Go Sled on Mr. Cranky’s Lawn! by Online Offal featuring Online Offal’s Offspring

Save Some Space (By Your Mailbox For My Truck) by My Mail Carrier

Early Dismissal Shuffle by My Local School District

Don’t Break My Stride (I’ve Got Four-Wheel Drive) by My Husband

Formation by Beyoncé 

Now That’s What I Call A Snow Day! Vol. 2

Snow Days

We live in a rather upper-middle-class area in the Mid-Atlantic region. It’s my strong opinion that the pressures surrounding parenthood–and motherhood in particular–are relentless, and in my community most of the mothers are trying to constantly out-mom one another.

The pressure starts before pregnancy even begins, with the deification of motherhood as some lofty, selfless achievement that gets its own holiday, complete with guilt resulting from a potentially complicated relationship with your own mother and your constant review of your own parenting choices.

Social media makes everything so much worse, because moms simultaneously can edit the imperfection from their lives and judge others.

My children are in elementary school, and it’s a great community with a ton of involved parents. I always help when I’m asked, but I’ve never volunteered to be a room mom or taken on any leadership position with our PTO. I think the people who do are great and selfless, because from what I understand it’s a lot like herding cats.

Because we live in the Mid-Atlantic region, we shockingly experience winter weather during the winter months, including snow, ice and sleet. For some inexplicable reason, the school doesn’t build snow days into the calendar. If the district cancels school, that day is made up at the end of the school year. Early dismissals and morning delays are a bit of a better choice, because the school administration has a lot more flexibility when it comes to making up work that’s missed.

We’ve got walloped with a lot of snowstorms over the past few years. (I know! I know! Global warming doesn’t exist!) But every time there is a hint of snow in the forecast, a group of women get positively rabid and aren’t satisfied until there is (a) plowable snow that results in (b) one or more snow days. On Facebook there are a number of similar photos from different people that show up in my feed:

  • Children wearing their pajamas inside out
  • Flashback to previous winters’ shenanigans, including snowmen and snowforts
  • Multiple weather models of the upcoming event, from international satellites that more often than not don’t agree
  • Best sledding hills

The posts are all the same: Making Memories! Cherish Every Moment! Here’s How to Keep Snowballs Frozen All Year Round!

The underlying assumption is you’re a better mom if you want your children to be at home with you during winter months–summer vacation isn’t enough–crafting and baking and doing loads and loads of laundry.

And lo, this past weekend, the Snow Gods appeased the Rabid Mamas and granted a season’s worth of snow in 24 hours. The mamas complained that it was over a weekend but again, the Snow Gods looked down on them and found favor. School was cancelled Monday and I just got the text that it’s closed tomorrow, too.

But! The Rabid Mamas are beginning to turn on the Snow Gods. Apparently, there are no more memories to be made after one snow day. There is nothing else left to be cherished. The Facebook posts are starting to complain about spring break being shortened. The sweet offspring whose pajamas were inside out now have cabin fever and are about to kill one another. There are not enough sad emojis to replace all the manic winter emojis.

I like winter just as much as the next person, but my children and I thrive on routine. Even if storms hit on a weekend, lots of things are thrown out of whack, and my house isn’t exactly comfortable until a predictable pattern reasserts itself again. Nine months of school helps instill a routine, and no amount of crafting or Monopoly is going to bring that back until the classrooms open again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snow Days